*this is really long because I originally thought that these would have been separate stories/lessons I've been learning, but they turned out to be all intertwined in a beautiful way, at least, to me =)
Going in chronological order from the end of spring term, I'll mention MCAT first.
Even though I don't say it, I guess everyone would probably know I'm a total nerd. I like to think all the time and don't like to leave my mind blank haha. But I was definitely a LOT more hardworking back in secondary school. I was trying to think how come I could be so hardworking and motivated then and not so much now. My parents never expected me to achieve super-high grades, and I never had any huge ambitions (kindergarten school teacher =D), didn't have a need to get a scholarship, the main thing I think was pushing me was that I enjoyed the challenge. I didn't mind so much about the marks but that I was able to do my best. Back then, it was definitely more about glorifying myself than Him. But now that I know so surely that my life does not belong to me, that I belong to Jesus...if He has indeed called me to a career in medicine, all the more I should be trying my best in my academics to glorify Him. I feel ashamed at myself at times for my laziness and lack of motivation...those times I believe that I can just pull it off by cramming the night before. (I would NEVER have done that in Singapore.)
But yet, God has still blessed me so much more than I deserve in my past 2 academic years. It was entirely my fault that I had to learn the hard way - having to prepare for MCAT so last minute, and not being able to do my best because I was unprepared and ended up "guessing" a lot of the answers =( It is indeed a lot easier said than done. All this talk about glorifying God in my academics, or in serving Him by serving others around me, especially my family...and similarly, all this talk about faith. I really started questioning where I was standing before God, and my hypocrisies.
I was praying about this, and He who alone brings peace and joy, answered me.
If I don't do well, lesson learned =) I would try again, work much harder this time round and from now on.
If I did well, praise God =)
In any case, I should stop looking back at those years when I had seemingly obtained all that success in academics by my own diligence or intelligence, and comparing them with what I lack now, but instead focus on God alone to glorify Him in all I that I do, now and for the future.
But He didn't stop at that!
The reason why my parents were so against me going into medical school was because of my health problems. I appear in good health but I do have a weak immune system and I probably have spent quite a lot of my life already in a hospital or dealing with medicine or visiting specialists. Hospital visits in Singapore was not too bad though because there's a store at NUH that sells really good soybean products, like real soybean ice cream =D (NUH = National University of Singapore Hospital where I was born, where I said bye to my appendix, where I was treated by some of the best doctors or met the worst...)
Maybe that's partly why I never did think I'd become a doctor from young because it'd just seem all reversed; I am much more used to being a patient.
But He has been revealing more and more of His plan =)
Yesterday was one of the best mornings. I had to see a Chinese doctor (who is from my grandfather's hometown in Shanghai =)) for my skin problem - pityriasis chronica lichenoides - which started 4 years ago. It's not that serious though it's rare and pretty much incurable according to Western doctors. I don't mind it since it's just red spots all over which I can cover up since it's winter most of the year in Canada =P; it's not itchy and doesn't usually hurt so doesn't affect me too much, and of course, it's not contagious. I'm not sure whether if it's really noticeable but I don't actually care that much. The only reason why I care would be because it causes my parents to worry a lot about it and me going off to the hospital, or for treatment, or the expenses...it brings trouble to others and I don't like that.
But after my volunteering experiences, it dawned on me that if I really wanted to take care of others and become a doctor to glorify Him, I had to take good care of myself first. And there were no excuses especially after the MCAT experience - I had to stop being so self-contradictory.
So I finally agreed to go with my mum to the Chinese doctor. Long story short, I was kind of told to consider other occupations =P had accupuncture too and lots of pills to take now. (Selenium is really smelly =P now I can finally understand a bit of why other patients might hate taking pills, especially if they don't think it's even helpful or that they are in self-denial of their illness)
That was Tuesday. My grandfather also called up his doctor friend for a second opinion so I visited him yesterday too. This time, it was accupuncture on my back. It's definitely a blessing that for me, I'm not scared of needles, have a high tolerance for pain (or heat =P).
During the 20 minutes I had to lie with all those needles sticking into my back though, I "overheard" the most amazing conversation ever.
It was one of the other doctors working in that clinic (the daughter-in-law of my doctor) talking to my mum outside. At first, I couldn't really believe my ears when I vaguely heard words like "God" and "grace" etc. The last Chinese clinic I went to was clearly Buddhist and promoted seeking a balance between the forces in your body, yoga stuff etc. So I guess I had stereotyped doctors in traditional Chinese medicine practice. But as I listened on, she was indeed talking about His blessings and sharing the goodness she had learned from her own experiences and from coping with her daughter's illness with my mum.
I couldn't help but praise Him.
I never asked why I had this disease. But if I did and this conversation that my mum had with this amazing sister in Christ is why, I would be more than satisfied with His answer.
She wasn't just talking about receiving from Him but also our response to His love. We really can do nothing on our own to serve Him, we have nothing to offer Him that He hasn't given to us in the first place, but us serving Him should only ever stem from His love and us loving Him back. She really did summarize the entire gospel and made reference to Matthew 28:18-20 on the Great Commission. About what true discipleship is about. And why it is so absolutely necessary to read His Word (making reference to 1 Peter 2:2-3 "Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.")
As I listened, tears of joy started to well up.
Our God does answer our prayers and He is indeed so good.
And I thought of 1 Corinthians 13, the passage on Love.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. ~ 1 Cor. 13:13
This sister in Christ was surely speaking out of God's love. She had only just met us for the first time, and yet that didn't stop her. I had been praying for renewal for my family too, but especially for my mum. So He answered my prayers in more than one way. And praise God I understand mandarin =)
The doctor ended off by saying that she'll pray for me too.
Prayer, the power of prayer, the beauty of prayer...
I later asked my mum how the doctor started the conversation. My mum didn't remember exactly how but only that the doctor said she somehow knew in her heart that I was a Christian (she was sitting outside while I was in the consultation room and probably heard my responses to my doctor but at that time, I was kind of wondering about why the door should be left ajar =P)
He is exalted =)
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:)
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