fighting for joy (part 1)

have I not learned at all, all these years
maybe just head knowledge?
I can appear to be knowledgeable in terms of remembering bible passages and cross-referencing them to other passages but there is an emptiness in my heart.
A diminishing in hungering and thirsting for Him and Him alone is something I really fear. I distract myself with worldly things and for awhile, I forget. But there is no peace and I know why...

5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. 8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
Romans 8:5-8

I know I should be resting in Christ. Abiding in His love. Fixing my eyes on Christ.

But I can't do it myself no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I know in my head. If I keep thinking of the sins that I have regretfully committed as my failures and personal defeats, I am no where near. It is against our holy holy holy God that I have sinned! And my sins grieve Him.
I have a wonderful memory for mistakes that I have made; they tend to be on a replay mode. It is a spiritual warfare as I try to rest in Christ's finished work on the Cross. It is such a blessed assurance to know that Christ is mine and I am His indeed!

6 We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. 7 For one who has died has been set free from sin. 8 Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9 We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. 10 For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. 11 So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.
Romans 6:6-11