brokenness

I found out on that day I was to help lead bible study at CCF, on Phil. 3:1-14. It really was by His grace. After that initial shock and disappointment, God gave me His peace to let go of my dream of medicine.
But once I started turning my eyes away from Him, it just kept haunting me and it has been so draining. The frenzy of applying for grad schools and contacting supervisors... trying to plan out what would be best for the next few years... trying to explain to other people and myself that God has a greater plan and purpose for me. I've been trying to seek for approval instead of seeking His will. Overwhelmed by trying to find out what would in my opinion be most glorifying to Him, that I would be able to please God and my loved ones, to make the best use of the gifts and talents that He has blessed me with... grad school, optometry, pharmacy, occupational therapy?
I came to the point where I thought, it'd be nice to just have a decent job so that I can financially support myself and not live off my parents? Medical research (paediatric research) would be for me, partly fulfilling my dream of helping kids. Even if I can't be physically there to help them, I'd be contributing a bit to that? Questions after questions... no end to questioning what my intentions were

I was able to put on a front for quite a few days after it started bothering me. But after my volunteering shift last Tuesday at the Peds Unit at Grand River Hospital, the tiredness and the headache and stomachache (because I usually eat only when I get home at 9pm after my shift to save money on food) just triggered a flood of emotions. Tired of school, tired of working so hard to meet the qualifications of applying to med school (learning to speak up was hard and scary at first), tired of being sleep and food-deprived (though it is kind of by choice)...

Why medicine? If I wanted to serve God and His people in the field of health-care, why not pharmacy, optometry or nursing in the first place?

It's not easy to just let it go right away. When I first felt that it was God's calling for me to pursue medicine for medical missions in grade 12, I tried showering with cold water for a while because I felt that maybe I could start preparing myself in little ways for living in developing countries. I don't shower with cold water now... but I'm always reminded when I turn on the tap for a shower.

God have mercy on me!
I have been so troubled and caught up with my worries and self-pity that I had to have my dear sister tell me so... I've just been rambling on about me, myself and I, not fixing my eyes on Him, and turning a blind eye to the needs and struggles of those around me who are hurting too.

This blog has mostly been about my struggles with pursuing medicine and seeking to glorify God through this. Over the years, I have been truly broken and humbled by His grace and mercy when I fail at fixing my eyes on Him and seeking first His kingdom and His righteousness. Songs that have spoken to me in particular, are "Cry in my Heart" (which we sang at CCF that Friday that I found out), "The Potter's Hand", and "Jesus, All for Jesus", "As long as You are glorified", "Be Thou my Vision" ... I'd cry if I heard these now and I used to think crying was such a sign of weakness.

I've been trying to stay strong but I can't do this on my own. It is only in my weakness and state of brokenness that I know how desperately in need I am of Him.
I've been subconsciously trying to seek approval and self-worth by working hard to achieve something in life. But I'll always be restless until I find my identity in Christ alone. There is nothing, nothing I can do on my own to stand as a better person before Him... nothing I could ever do to take away or add to what Jesus has already accomplished on the Cross!
How amazing is it that He chooses to love us, the ugly and broken and sinful people we are, with His everlasting and steadfast love.
So really, what should I do to glorify Him the most?
I think John Piper puts it really nicely: "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him."

finding rest at the feet of Jesus
trusting and obeying Him
following in His footsteps
being led back to the Cross
living a life of worship
a house of prayer...

I'm re-learning all this as a new chapter begins. Praise and thank God for His never-ending patience!

Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain
Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubt

Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well
You are good when I’m poor and needy
You are true when I’m parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night

Bridge So quiet my restless heart, quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart in You
Words and Music by Mark Altrogge.
© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.

12 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you servants, [1] for the servant [2] does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. 17 These things I command you, so that you will love one another.
John 15:1-17

1 Finally, my brothers, [1] rejoice in the Lord. To write the same things to you is no trouble to me and is safe for you.
2 Look out for the dogs, look out for the evildoers, look out for those who mutilate the flesh. 3 For we are the circumcision, who worship by the Spirit of God [2] and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh— 4 though I myself have reason for confidence in the flesh also. If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; 6 as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, [3] blameless. 7 But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.
12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:1-14