完美放弃

It feels weird to be sharing this since I'd much rather hide my emotional side from the rest of the world. I used to think of crying as a sign of weakness...not only for guys (cos I'm such a feminist =P). Each time CCF sharing night comes around, I can't help but feel so afraid that I'd break down in front of everyone so I choose to avoid it as much as I can (and end up being really incoherent too!). But emotional sharing is good sharing. And in the sharings, to look beyond the human faults and failures to focus on His saving grace but also that His power can be seen as perfect in our weaknesses.
1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. ~ Philipians 2:1-2

I cried twice this term.
The first time was due to emotional breakdown, from being lectured by my mum for not being concerned enough about the seriousness of my health condition and the somewhat harsh reality of it being spelled out clearly to me. I got over that soon enough by His grace through prayer that we both might seek not so much to be understood but to understand, and soon after, my mum wrote to me. It was a precious moment to know with certainty that God heard my prayers and He works in the most wonderful ways.
The second time though, I cried tears of joy. The sweetness of returning to Him after the pain of absence is far greater than anything else. The “pain of absence” was a phrase I came across while reading Autobiography of Madame Guyon. I love how the Chinese translation for the title is Sweet-smelling Myrrh. (For those who don’t know, myrrh was used as an embalming ointment) Indeed, her life was one example of a follower of Christ, who desired no other than surrendering completely to His will and someone who could say with the apostle Paul, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.” (Gal 2:20). Dying to self so that God could be her everything, enduring the sufferings, rejoicing in them as she knew that it was her Maker moulding her that in all He was glorified. Sweet-smelling myrrh – the aroma of Christ, the fragrance of life.
Jesus said,
“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.” (Luke 9:23-24)
As followers of Christ, how far are we going to obey this? How far are we in surrendering ourselves to be totally dependent on Him for all? If we were to be stripped of everything, even spiritual support from fellow brothers and sisters, would we still trust in Him? Is it not that He alone would be our counsellor?
The “pain of absence” for me came from my unwillingness to surrender every area of my life and losing focus. Other things replaced Christ as the centre of my life. I had to learn the hard way even though I knew so well that there was nothing I desired more than intimacy with God since I have tasted and seen the goodness of the Lord. Lack of prayer and reading His word didn’t help. I also didn’t make the effort to set aside a time and place to meet with Him, since I didn’t have my own bedroom. I was surrounded with too many distractions and yet wasn’t standing firm enough to find rest in Him. I chose violin/guitar over spending more time with Him. I chose cooking/baking even though it might have been for others. I chose talking to friends. I chose watching dramas or eating to de-stress when I knew I needed to look to Him. I chose just pure wasting of my time daydreaming when I needed to just pray. Pray.
I knew all this and I was even sharing and blogging about it but it took forever to actually sink in. I was also being pretty detestable and not living out what I have been saying and really ask for forgiveness on this.
So the pain was mostly self-inflicted. Yet I believe that God used it all the same for His glory. The more unworthy I realized I was, the more I saw His overflowing grace and mercy upon me, and the greater His glory. I would say this has been the most difficult term I’ve had, whether in school or the lessons He has been teaching me. Yet, because of the latter, I can say that I have grown by His grace and in the knowledge of Him. It is really about going back to the basics...
I have since left my dreams and plans (of say medical missions, relationships and in every area of my life) to be shattered, for them to be built only in accordance to His will. For I trust that He will surely reveal them to me in His time.
And yes, be Thou my vision =)

完美放弃