a broken heart
cracks that have gone too deep
shatters onto the ground
and teardrops follow...
where were you when I needed you?
where were you when I cried out to hear your voice?
yet you have always been there
watching over me
it was me...
my heart that had grown cold
and now
picking up the pieces with your loving hands
you mend the brokenness
with your blood, sweat and tears
unfailing love
you healed the wounds of this heart
you draw me back to you
promising as you have always promised
that you would never leave nor forsake me
receiving your forgiveness
I can come into your presence unashamed
and now
in the light of your glory
beauty from ashes
perfection from the imperfect
I'm Yours.
I was thinking about this during the holidays back in Toronto when I had this image of broken glass pieces. But during the time of prayers at the end of retreat and on coming back to Waterloo feeling this sense of depression...the image came back to my mind and re-reading what I wrote earlier in Chinese (http://la-petite-violoniste.blogspot.com/2009/01/blog-post.html), I knew this really was God speaking to me – calling my heart back to Him for healing and restoration, to surrender and submit my life to Him once again.
~ I was hesitating to post this up...but after yesterday's sharing night, I truly experienced how blessed I am to be part of this body of Christ in which brothers and sisters can share so openly. It's something that's so amazing about this journey of building up and edifying each other in the presence of God. Each sharing was something really close to my heart - a really good reminder for me or something that I was thinking/struggling about. Diana's sharing especially touched me. I really thank God for her - she really has the joy of Christ glowing on her face :) For me, I have always been that quiet and shy person, afraid of speaking up...I've always been afraid of something, the fear of rejection or just the thought that I'm such an insignificant nobody so who needs to know what this socially awkward "little Chinese girl" is thinking?
And yet, I have known for ever so long that yes, I am a child of God, somone whom I can call Abba Father. I am someone of so little faith and...just so small and insignificant, but He has always been so patient with me, waiting for me to come back to Him. When I was praying for Him to break my heart for what breaks His at the retreat...I was at the same time thinking noooo...because for 3 years now, medical missions have been something placed in my heart , something that I feel is God's calling for me. But all this while, I'm scared. Med school just seems to be growing further and further away, and I'm not even good at anything and public speaking/speaking to strangers is one of my greatest fears. But God works in amazing ways..I was reading 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 a few days ago, and during the retreat, Audrey shared this passage with us recounting their team's experience in Uganda.
When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or
superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.
to know nothing...except Jesus Christ and him crucified
a demonstration of the Spirit's power
yes indeed, I really have nothing to offer...except that I may be an empty vessel! I know that my heart breaks for these people, and I know just what Dr Richard Heinzl was talking about when he mentioned the smiles of kids in these faraway places even though I have never seen them myself in person...they just leap off the pages/screens to my heart! And I have seen a kid with cancer, but all I could do was pick out a few movies for him to watch...
Take me, Mould me,
use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me,
lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
I'm so afraid of walking alone...I'm afraid of the times that I might experience spiritual dryness and drift away from Him when I don't trust Him...I'm afraid of not hearing His voice.
But God has promised me once again - footprints on the beach - no matter where I am, He'll be holding my hands.
waiting upon the Lord...
and to end off, here's something that my dad just sent me :)
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.
6 comments:
Wow, we share the same fear: public speaking!
Thanks for sharing this =) I've been going through some of the same things you seem to be going through. But like you said: "No matter where I am, He'll be holding my hands". And that always gives me a sense of hope =D
thanks for opening up and sharing that jo! definitely trying to figure out who i would be if everything was taken away from me... trying to let go of everything - heart, mind, and soul - and surrender to Him.
reading this was encouraging. march on sister!
<3 ally
1 sam 16:7- Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.
1 peter 3:6 - "You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. " it's okay to feel scared, just keep taking baby steps and dare to dream. then at least you know you tried (:
your vulnerability in God reveals inner beauty in Him(:
Fear of public speaking is common, especially among Chinese circles. Being community-based by nature, we're 1) used to smaller groups and 2) non-confrontational by nature.
The story that was given to me when I was facing public things like Communication was one of Moses. He complaint that he had no words to say, when he was sent to free Israel, at the burning bush. But God sent him anyway, because God knew Moses better than Moses himself did. Kind of hard to argue against your Maker...when He says you can do it, you probably could.
It's okay. One of the biggest things that make humans stand out against animals is our ability to cognitively learn and grow. That includes overcoming fear of public speaking or lack of confidence. University is a time of growth and learning. You'll be fine, whereever He leads.
ooh i just realised i made a mistake.
what i meant was, don't feel condemned if you feel scared. sometimes i'm such a worry-monger and start to fear not making it, that things won't work out according to plan etc.
but i have to constantly remember that God's perfect love casts out all my fear; and God has not given me a spirit of timidity.
go jo! (: believe you CAN be what you want to be. availability over ability.
thanks so much for the encouragement too :) this past week has been so good after sharing this with brothers and sisters around me! & yup...i'm definitely going to take that step of faith - walk over water - and may all that i do bring glory to Him :)
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