Faith

We're one week into 2013 and I'll be back in school for another 6 months before another break. I'm nervous about another disappointing year. I wanted to title this post "Disappointment with God" after the book I've just read by Philip Yancey. But I couldn't help reverting (reluctantly) to my optimistic self so there, "Faith".

The book discusses 3 questions we wonder: Is God unfair? Is God silent? Is God hidden? 

From the excerpt: This...book points to the odd disparity between our concept of God and the realities of life. Why, if God is so hungry for a relationship with us, does he seem so distant? Why, if God cares for us, do bad things happen? What can we expect from God after all? 

More and more, I've realized my cynicism growing with each of life's "disappointments". And nothing terrifies me more than losing my first love, my heart growing hard and cold. It's not that I don't feel encouraged every now from reading His Word, sermons, books, brothers & sisters' encouragement and so on. I know, I know... turn your eyes upon Jesus and look to the Cross. Jesus paid it all! 

My favourite passages which I quote so often to others and myself still renew my hope in the Lord:

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. ~Romans 8:28

²¹ But this I call to mind,
    and therefore I have hope:

²² The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
²³ they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him.
²⁶ It is good that one should wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.

Lamentations 3:21-26

But so many times I fall back. My faithlessness and my doubting weigh down on me. There is so much I appear to know (about God and what He has done) but they mean nothing if I don't rest assured in Him. The cycle of "what ifs" and comparing to others is overwhelming at times - maybe God is unfair? maybe God is silent? maybe God is hidden? 

But what reason do I have? None of course. It's not like I am suffering the depths of what others or Christ have suffered... I know. 

And still the voices, but but...

Sometimes louder, sometimes softer. 

I sometimes wonder whether my faith now is much weaker than a few years ago. There's the saying, if you're not growing, you're regressing. 

I am trying. 

In so many ways, I know I've become ungrateful of all His blessings. I choose to consider them "second-class" when His plans are higher than mine. To put it more bluntly, you can say I covet for "better" blessings and I'm being bitter or resentful for what He's so richly blessed me with. 

I'm thankful for the bible study on Parable of the Prodigal Son during the Christmas season. Some say the focus should be on the bitter resentful elder brother. Somehow, I remember quite clearly that even at a very young age, I've always identified more with him than the younger prodigal son. Maybe it's because my younger sister and I used to always argue and I just "knew" I was more moral and righteous than her ("how can she be so rude and talk back to our parents? how can she be so inconsiderate and selfish etc??"). I am sorry. And I am so afraid of being stuck in that place of darkness... being so dull-minded and so closed off to His Love. 

And there it is, the longing for His goodness that I've tasted and seen. 

Bless the Lord, O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship your holy name.

But still... is God unfair? Is God silent? Is God hidden? 

What more can I say when I am reminded that Jesus himself suffered from unfairness and the silence when He bore God's wrath on the Cross? In the book Disappointment with God, the author notes that on the Cross, Jesus quoted from Psalm 22 (My God, my God why have you forsaken me?) which shows a clinging-onto faith no matter how bad things seem -- a stark contrast to the childlike faith shown in the following Psalm 23 (The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want).
For bad things do happen. Life is unfair. At present. There will come a day for the last line in Psalm 23 (Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever) and that day is approaching. But "at present, we do not yet see everything in subjection to him." (Hebrews 2:8b). 

⁹ But we see him who for a little while was made lower than the angels, namely Jesus, crowned with glory and honor because of the suffering of death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.

¹⁰ For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering. (Hebrews 2:9-10)

Jesus made the way through His sufferings, His death and resurrection. And God is making all things new, restoring heaven and earth. We might not see the spiritual battle going on but all along, as God was for Job, He is for us. Even if God doesn't come through or reveal Himself as He did for Job (and creation can only be left in awe of the Creator)... if God who is for us, who can be against us?

This little faith but that crazy Love.

I pray we hold on to our faith, the living hope in Him...

God is calling us home.